Note: This post is from my old blog. It was written months ago.
Without splitting hairs, it seems to me that the gay community, or the gay ‘world’ can be split into two obvious and distinct groups. The first group is what we call “straight acting” or “masculine”, and the second group is what we call “feminine” or “flamboyant”.
Of coarse they go by many other names as well, but those names are the ones I’ve encountered the most.
For the sake of simplicity, I’ll simply use the term ”masc” to refer to the str8 acting/masculine gay guys, and ”fem” to refer to feminine/flamboyant gay guys.
I am a masc gay guy. If you met me or saw me, you wouldn’t assume I was gay unless I told you or unless you’ve heard before. Masc gay guys are indistinguishable from straight guys. I don’t know if the guy in the picture I posted is gay or not, but thats kind of the point. If he is gay, you wouldn’t know unless he told you.
Fem gay guys on the other hand are obviously gay. Not to paint them all with a single brush, but in general, they tend to sound girly when they talk. Their voices are more high pitched, they use words like ‘fabulous’, they are way more expressive with their hands (wrist flicking), they tend to wear clothing that is considered more feminine, such as really tight pants or some shit, some are into the whole drag look, and in general they really blur gender lines. I’m sure you guys know what I’m talking about.
Fem gay guys are instantly recognizeable. Hell you could probably spot them a mile down the road, but the masculine guy right next to you on the train could of been sucking cock only a few hours before.
It seems as if masc gay guys and fem gay guys have nothing in common other than the fact that they both like other guys.
It’s pretty obvious to me that there is some hostility between masc and fem gay guys, with masc guys thinking that fem guys are giving all gay guys an unfavourable image and furthering gay stereotypes, while fem guys think that masc guys are cowards for not embracing their true homosexuality, or still abiding by heterosexual norms, or something along those lines.
I have never really liked fem gay guys. Before I came out I didn’t like them because I felt as if they were assaulting the concept of masculinity. I felt that they made it seem as if you can’t be both gay and masculine, and that was a contributing factor as to why I didn’t want to come out. I know better now, but back then that’s what I thought.
Not only that but I always thought that if you are a guy, you should act like one, and if you are a girl, you should act like one.
I never understood, and I guess I still don’t understand why some gay guys go for fem guys. I like guys who act like guys. If you are gay, it makes sense to go for guys who act like real guys, rather than girls. After all, you are supposed to be attracted to masculinity, that’s what makes you gay isn’t it?
If I wanted to be with someone who acted like a girl, I would go for a girl.
I also don’t get why lesbians, some at least, go for butches. You know, the militant lesbians, with the army boots, cargo pants, short hair, nose rings, etc.
If you are a lesbian aren’t you supposed to be attracted to femininity?
I’m not attracted to boys who look/act like girls. I like boys who act/look like boys.
I also find fem gay guys to be in general rather annoying. I don’t like the way they dress or talk or act. I’m not into flamboyancy and all of that drama and exageration that follows fem gay guys around like a bad smell.
Ok, now this is the important part. Everything I wrote above is my personal opinion. I firmly believe that just as I have the right to criticize or disapprove of other people, they also have the right to be the way that they want.
So if there is anything you take away from this post, this is it: DON’T HATE ON FEMININE GAY GUYS!
Despite my personal preferences and opinions, I think it is bad to hate on fem gay guys. Why?
Well firstly, they are still gay, just like us. They like cock just like we do. They like to suck on dick and be sucked by someone who has one. They like to fuck and be fucked by other guys. They date other guys just like we do, and some also want to marry other guys, just like we do.
Also, perhaps more importantly, they face homophobia and discrimination, just like we do, if not more, because they stand out, while us masc guys tend to blend in more.
We are all part of the gay community. Sure we might be different and very varied, but we are still all gay, and we all face similar issues and struggles because of our sexuality.
I read on another blog, an analogy between the different types of gay guys, and different types of black people, and the way they were treated depended on exactly how black they were.
It said something along the lines that a single drop of black blood made someone black. But the less black you were, the better you were treated, while the darker you were, the worse you were treated.
I guess that is a parallel in todays gay community. The less ”gay” you seem, things are easier for you because you are more like the others around you, while the more ”gay” you are, the worse things are because you really stand out.
What I’m trying to say, is that as masc gay guys, it might be easier for us, but at the end of the day we are still gay, just like the fem gay guys are. So to ditch the fem guys in order to make things ”easier” for ourselves seems like a bit of a cop-out.
It also sort of an admission that yeah we are ”freaks” just like them, but we aren’t as freak-like as they are, so technically we are ‘alright’.
But I don’t buy any of that. As I’ve said, I don’t really like the whole flamboyant thing, because it just isn’t to my taste, but I don’t hate guys who are like that, nor would I advocate any sort of harm towards them, nor would I tolerate people who do hate on them or wish to harm them in some way.
I think that if gay guys are going to get fully equal rights under the law, as well as being seen as equal members of society from a non-legal societal point of view, I think it will have to include all gay guys, irrelevant of what catagory of gay you are under.
There is a second reason I advocate against hating on fem gay guys.
As we all know, being gay isn’t a choice.
That is something I always knew. I knew sexuality is not a choice.
Behavioron the other hand is something else. I used to think that people can choose their behaviour. That fem gay guys are choosing to act the way they do for whatever reason, and it was one reason I didn’t approve of it.
However now I’m not so sure. I now think that being ”feminine” isn’t a choice either, just as being ”masculine” isn’t a choice.
As I said, I am masculine, but when I look at myself, I don’t see this as ”acting”, as if I’m trying to act as masculine as possible, as if I’m trying to keep down my inner queen. No, its just how I am. It doesn’t require effort. It is just as natural to me as breathing. It’s also why I despise the term ‘straight acting’. There is no ‘acting’ involved.
So, just as I am not acting masculine, but rather its just natural to me, I’m assuming that being feminine is also just natural to fem gay guys. I don’t think they wake up one morning and decide that from now one they’re going to be as flamboyant as possible. I think that the way they act is just how they are.
I don’t know why some gay guys are more feminine than others; it could be something biological or something to do with hormone levels, I really don’t know, but I don’t think it is a choice.
If someone is naturally masculine, why would they choose to act feminine? It just makes you more of a target for homophobia and discrimination, and I can’t see why anyone would willingly put themselves in such a position.
It’s thing like that, that make me think that being feminine (or masculine) isn’t a choice. Some gay guys are masculine, and some are feminine.
So, if being ‘feminine’ isn’t a choice but rather something that is natural to the person in question and makes them predisposed to being ‘stereotypically gay’, then isn’t it unfair to hate them because of something they didn’t choose?
I would say it is.
To wrap up what I’ve been saying, don’t hate on fem gay guys because they are gay, just like us, and because just as being ‘masculine’ is as normal to you as breathing, being ‘feminine’ is as normal to them as breathing.
Gay guys, both fem and masc, are in the same boat. Let’s not sink it ey, but work together instead.
You don’t have to be attracted to the flamboyant gay guys, and you don’t even have to like it at all, but don’t hate them. I don’t.
Everyone is different, and I think that we should respect the diversity of our community.
Ok, to re-cap:
-I personally don’t like fem gay guys. I don’t find them appealing on any level.
-But we shouldn’t hate them either because they are gay just like us; we’re in the same boat so from a
practical perspective we need to respect each other because we are all fighting the same battle.
-And lastly from a moral perspective, I don’t think they ”chose” to be feminine anymore than we chose to be masculine, so I’m not going to hate on someone for being themselves.
I think gay guys, both masc and fem need to start respecting each other more, because I feel that this hostility does go two ways, and I think it is kind of pointless because we are all gay and in-fighting doesn’t really help any of us, especially when we all want the same thing: full recognition and equality.
Now, on a slightly different issue, I do recognize the fact that a lot of gay guys don’t want to come out because they fear that they will be associated with the more stereotypical gay guys. I think this is a valid concern.
The thing is however, that these stereotypes do seem to be breaking down. There seem to be more openly gay masculine guys, and there does seem to be a masculine gay community developing; perhaps this is most blatantly obvious in the blogging world.
The gay community is changing, and by being an open masculine gay dude, you are contributing your part to changing perceptions.
The gay guys who fall into the stereotype are a stereotype in the first place because those guys are the ones who cracked the wall, and began the gay rights movement.
Now I’m not going to get into a debate over whether their methods were right or not because history is history, but I do recognize the fact that ”stereotype gays” did do a lot of the work in paving the path to gay rights, but on the other hand they did also marginalize masculine gay guys.
Almost as if you aren’t truly gay unless you fit the stereotype, hence the term ‘straight acting’. That I don’t really appreciate either.
On the other hand though, I do see this as kind of an ‘give them an inch, they’ll take a mile’ sort of thing.
The stereotype gay guys did really go to the edge, and pushed things very far, but I guess because of that it now makes it even easier for masculine gay guys to be open about being gay.
Perhaps gays making themselves as obvious and distinct as possible was a necessary first step to getting gay rights. Maybe something along the lines of a grand opening, before the dust can settle.
Either way, two things I am sure of, is that despite any damage the fem gay guys might have done to the image of gays in general, they also did a lot of good in gaining recognition which today has made our lives easier, and secondly, a masculine gay community is showing up, and something of a masculine gay identity does seem to be forming.
Who knows, perhaps sometime in the near future there will be a ”masc gay” stereotype.
I hope that this post made sense, because whilst writing it I felt as if I was putting forward many ideas which didn’t exactly fit together.
There you have it dudes. Hope you enjoyed that. As always, I can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org
and feel free to leave a comment.